Waiting...

I'm sitting here waiting for a few minutes until the clock strikes midnight and it's officially Groundhog Day. T-Bear's favorite holiday, because it is his birthday.

I last spoke to him four years ago today, to wish him a happy birthday. He was working from home, but was napping in the sunlight when I called... It was a perfect, nice, sweet, caring, friendship-y phone call.

He died six days later.

I have missed him terribly ever since.

I love you T-Bear!


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P.O.S.

When I was 18 my on-and-off boyfriend finally admitted he had cheated on me. "Only twice. One was pregnant so that doesn't count." Oh, he said he totally used a condom (while we didn't).

That is how I brought in the New Year. A fractured coccyx, a drunk boy passed out on my bedroom floor (great party) he was oozing blue drool on my carpet, and W.D. finally admitting to cheating. Lucky me, we were already broken up.

That didn't stop my lack-of-reality-vision from loving him. The story is SO FUCKED UP.

*!*!*

Last night I had a dream that woke me up in the middle of the night (more middle than my 2am bedtime). It was so awful that I couldn't bear it and had to wake up. Even then I couldn't shake it and wondered if ...

Jukebox was cheating on me?!

Of course not, but this dream was very jarring. So I replayed the dream over and over (not helping me go back to sleep) to see why it was in my head. I finally made a connection to W.D. And it made much more sense.

Back then, since I didn't have healthy coping skills and I didn't have a healthy self image, I just buried W.D. cheating on me along with all the other garbage he brought to my life. And since we were buddies again for a brief year 5-7 years later, I thought I had forgiven him for being a total douche.

Now I am revisiting some terrible things he did to me and the desire to protect him is falling away, revealing an ever-present truth I was blind to:

He is a giant piece of shit.

*!*!*

So I'm a bit tired today from my wild dreams, having had to get up early for a shoot, but I have much more to be grateful for. Jukebox, for one. And for two, starting to clear some more cobwebs out of my scrambled head.


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no guts

Ugh, guts. I have been in major major pain all day. This fucking period and other issues I have. I can barely move around, get up, sit down owowowowowow

Anyway, I was on FB and wanted to chat a little with Hunzer. I never "go online" for IMing because of this one guy.

I thought, hey, no biggee, we can be friends, I know him, took a photo of him at his friend's wedding and talked to him some after the wedding.

Anyway, the SECOND I "go online" no matter the day or time, he is THERE, trying to chat with me.

That's annoying on its own, but he went way over the boundaries a while back, and said things he/no one should say to a girl in a LTR.

So I've avoided him by staying offline... but tonight, there he is again. Fucker! Why don't I have the guts to just "unfriend" him, or better yet, tell him why and then unfriend him...?

MN Nice blows.

****

Update: I did it. I "removed my connection" to him. I feel weird.


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Too good to be true?

I just found out today that a doctor is willing to give me very special, very expensive tests to determine where the nerve damage is in my hands/wrists... for free! Lord, let this be true. This would put me on the proper path for learning what kind of surgeries could help me. I'm in no mind to consider surgeries, but it would be really beneficial to know.

Also, I looked toward the Heavens the other day and asked for a wedding. The next day I got a phone call about a wedding, but the offer was really lacking - I would be a maybe back-up if the current photographer couldn't shoot in a couple weeks - "and we're not looking for much, just a few photos to capture the day." This is language for, "we're not even going to spend as much as your minimum package."

So bemused I looked toward the Heavens again and said, I need a wedding that will pay more than $1500. Today I got a phone call for a wedding inquiry ... we chatted for awhile and she seemed hesitant at my quote, but I suggested she, her fiance' and I get together to talk more details ... she'll let me know. A huge what if, but, what if? Please Lord, I need the job and the referral that had her calling me was solid.


...


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A pond with a view

Nine years ago when I stood in the orange-rust colored carpeted living room of this townhome, with the outdated vinyl on the kitchen floor and salmon painted walls I looked out the window and thought about the pond.

It was late summer and there was no activity, I just saw the trees and water and thought, this is a nice view.

If I look to the right I see another townhome, if I look left, I see the pond and small field next to it.

Nine years ago I didn't realize what a gift the pond would be. The variety and abundant wildlife that I get to gaze upon. Some years I get to see the geese and ducks raise their babies. I see egrets and blue heron, even an occasional bald eagle. The muskrat's little head peeking out while he swims by. Bunnies, blue jays, sparrows, crows, cardinals, robins and froggies. Deer. They love to sneak by at night, last night we saw them walking across the frozen pond. And the fox, one night we got to see the elusive fox I've spotted only twice before in the last nine years. Violet and I just stood at the window and watched him circle my yard, looking for other tasty leftovers I had tossed out.

I love it, how could I ever leave it?






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Update from earlier

I was out running a few errands before heading to the gym and this song by Garbage is one of my all-time favorites. Recently I realized why the lyrics have such a hold over me (see them below)... I've always associated this song with first W. then other guys and suddenly it became just an angryish vibe directed at all these guys, like a cloud, no real solid reasons.

Part of my therapy is to feel my feelings from all those years ago. Instead of burying them. A few new things came to light about C. these last few weeks and I shared them with my doc last week. She speculated I would be saddled with some heavy grief in the next few days and to ... I don't remember her advice. I found that I was actually really angry! at this guy! who I always painted in a decent! light!

Today I think I'm actually feeling this grief and it's not PMS or Jukebox (I've been getting ruffled at him these last two days). While I was driving and listening to this song I got hit pretty hard with the need-to-crys. But I cut it off quickly because of the errands I had to run, didn't need everyone to see how I cry cry cry. Now I want to cry because I'm home but it's not the same...

During my workout I kept two different mantras running in my head.
"You will heal. You are healing. You will heal. You are healing."

Then abruptly I'd find myself going over this list, and actually forgot a few names (how could I!?) and added them later.

FUCK YOU W.D.
FUCK YOU S.H.
FUCK YOU B.P.
FUCK YOU D.S.
FUCK YOU D.R.
FUCK YOU W.J.
FUCK YOU C.R.
FUCK YOU P.B.
FUCK YOU R.C.
FUCK YOU C.E.
...
FUCK YOU MOM



This isn't their band video - but you can be entertained whilst listening if you so please.

***

"As Heaven Is Wide"

Nothing that you say will release you
Nothing that you pray would forgive you
Nothing's what your words mean to me
Something that you did will destroy me
Something that you said will stay with me
Long after you're dead and gone

If flesh could crawl
My skin would fall
From off my bones
And run away from here

As far from God
As heaven is wide
As far from God
As angels can fly

If holy is as holy does
This house will burn straight down to hell
Take it's conscience with it
As it falls

Nothing said could change the fact
My trust was blind
You broke the pact
If God's my witness, God must be blind

If flesh could crawl
My skin would fall
From off my bones
And run away from here

As far from God
As heaven is wide
As far from God
As angels can fly

I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish

Take it back I dare you take it back
No you can't? You should have thought of that
What's inside a man
That goes so wrong

Choke on guilt that's far too good for you
Say one word I'll laugh and bury you
And leave you in the place
Where you left me

If flesh could crawl
My skin would fall
From off my bones
And run away from here

As far from God
As heaven is wide
As far from God
As angels can fly

I wish I could fly
As angels can fly

I wish, I wish.

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Ick

Today is a day in which I feel quite sour. Even sad.

It covers everything around me like an acidy blanket of frost. The soft glow of happiness is all sharp and crackly.

It could be PMS, but seems to be a week early.

All I know for certain is that everyone is not meeting my needs and my patience is short.

My dreams this morning were terrible to boot. Threats of rape, kidnapping and coercion. I am proud that I stood up for myself, screamed and tried to escape. I knew I was being manipulated and I wasn't going to let it happen...


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acting

For years I've fantasized about whether or not I could be an actress. When I was a kid I had many lead roles in my elementary school plays, but as my family kept moving I got more and more shy and insecure... so I never pursued that when I got older.

I was just on imdb.com and read an all too familiar quote, "and at 18 she moved out to Hollywood to pursue her acting career."

I wondered for a moment if I could have done that... I made a few faces emulating some recent acting moments I just saw on TV... and I felt

icky.

You know what, I've spent my whole life acting. Time to move on. I'm so over that.


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xmas & japan

Will someone come take down my xmas tree, and wrap all my crazy ornaments for me, and tuck it all back under my stairs, please?


And Jukebox is teasing me with a job opportunity he could apply for in Japan. Illinois or Florida is one thing (I can drive to see him) but Japan is not! I told him he'd have to pay me $500/month in relationship money if he went to Japan.

P.S. My mom is nuts.

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